Stand for Something or Youll Get the Hose Again
The Art of Asking: Or, How to Ask and Get What You Want
If you don't enquire, the respond is already no.
Note: Subsequently publishing this essay in 2013, I was startled past the response that it got — it'due south been recommended more than 500 times, re-published in some of the biggest Medium publications, and recommended to product teams at some of the biggest design firms in the world. It'southward at present bachelor as a free guidebook for you to use in your own piece of work and practice. Take hold of a copy of the workbook past clicking the image below or going to https://www.sarahkpeck.com/enquire/ to get the free e-volume. Look forward to your thoughts and reflections on the essay.
What does it have to ask for what you desire—and then get information technology? In that location seems to be a magical art behind creating a great ask, and nosotros all know stories of people who seem to get exactly what they want whenever they ask. Magicians who bend and will the world to their ways. Why is this? What are they doing that no one else seems to be doing? How do they ask for what they want and seem to get it every time?
Culturally, information technology's not ever the norm to ask direct for what yous want—or we practice a terrible job of it (and women face significantly more challenges in both cultural norms and consequences for making direct asks; see HBR and NYT for more). Instead of specifying what nosotros want, nosotros hem and haw about ideas, oftentimes walking away from great conversations without clearly articulating our message, what we hope to achieve, and how the other person can directly assist u.s.a..
Creating a not bad ask (and learning the ability to say no) are two skills that successful people larn how to exercise really well. When y'all ask well, you can get what you desire more quickly—saving y'all time and free energy. In the past decade, some of the things I've asked for and negotiated for include: asking for multiple raises and getting them consistently, negotiating salary bumps of 20% or more (with credit to Ramit Sethi's persuasion tactics), winning over $fifty,000 in scholarships (competitions and essays were involved), and recently raising $33,000 for charity: water by promising to swim naked from Alcatraz to San Francisco if we raised enough money.
In addition, I've helped clients empathise persuasion tactics and develop scripts to ask for what they want, including the delicate art of deciding to practice it anyways and asking for forgiveness rather than permission. Several people asked me to collect my notes on how to inquire and share them publicly. Here are my top tips for creating a dandy inquire—in order to go more than of what y'all want.
The art of request for what y'all want,
Part 1: You take to actually ask.
i. Beginning, know what you want. This is an all-likewise-obvious step that'southward often disregarded. Often information technology's not always clear to you (or others) what it is, exactly, that you're in need of. The more than clarity you can have most what you lot want, the better. Take the time to learn, effigy out, or discover exactly what you want. One time yous know what you want ($1M in funding, a appointment with a lady, a new bookshelf, a corner grocery store), it'south easier to enquire for it.
ii. Ground yourself in why you're doing what you're doing. Start from the eye centre: before I ask others to join or respond, I check in with myself, request with my heart and mind and body, making sure this is what I want and that information technology resonates with who I am and what I represent.
Is this something that I want to practice, and want to do deeply? Is this something I stand up for and believe in?
If you lot don't want it at the center of your core, enquire yourself why you lot're going after it. If you do want it, ask yourself what you'd exist willing to do for this. Much of my work is contingent on confidence and alignment with the programs I'one thousand creating. If and when I draft an email that doesn't "experience correct" or my intuition tells me is coming from a place of loneliness, desperation, or demand—I interruption on the email and draft it a few other ways.When I circle back and call up why I'yard doing what I'm doing, the words come more easily.
Amanda Palmer, in the highly watched (and merely every bit readily criticized) TED talk, speaks of the vulnerability that is required in asking for what you desire. To enquire for something is human; to want something and ask someone else for information technology requires a connectedness.
"Through the very human activity of asking people, I connected with them. And when you connect with them, people want to help you. It's kind of counterintuitive for a lot of artists — they don't want to enquire for things. Information technology's not easy to ask. … Request makes you vulnerable."
— Amanda Palmer, The Art of Asking
3. You have to actually Enquire for what you desire. It sounds so simple to write this, and virtually insanely easy communication. Only in that location are too many people who do not enquire for what they desire. They'll tell you a story, email you to say hullo, spend hours talking in circles nigh their idea, hedge and hum about a faint attribute of their thought—and somehow hope amidst all the befuddlement that somehow the other person they are talking to will be able figure out what is is you want and help you solve your problem. You need to put information technology out there.
In order to get what you want, y'all have to enquire for it.
4. Be direct, articulate, and specific well-nigh what you want. Make information technology ridiculously clear what you're asking for. Be directly about what you want, who it's from, and when you lot demand it, and what a desired upshot looks like. The more specific and direct yous can be, the ameliorate.
- Define the problem. What are y'all trying to solve?
- Specify what it is, exactly, that you want. What materials, processes, steps, pieces, or people are involved to solve it? Is this fabricated abundantly clear—and easier to read than an IKEA assembly transmission?
- Outline how much time, free energy, money, or commitment you lot think information technology will take. Be clear about what the person will have to do to fulfill the request. If it's a sale, specify when, where, and how they can get what yous're asking them to buy. There'south nothing like deciding you desire something and realizing that the person who invited you didn't put a "buy here" push button on their website.
- Exist direct. Put the ask up front and early on, and once more in the shut of the message.
five. Exist selective and targeted about who you lot ask. The more specific y'all tin exist almost WHO you ask, the ameliorate. Request everyone in your network is bound to get you a bunch of silence in our over-connected world, or active unsubscribes and united nations-follows across your diverse platforms. Information technology's meliorate to ask three people who are very well equipped to answer your query than 15 people who aren't interested at all.
Do not transport your email to your entire contact listing. People in Boulder have no interest in the plan you're teaching in San Francisco (unless, perhaps, it'due south a digital course). The more specific you can become about WHO should exist receiving the message, the ameliorate. One direct inquire that results in a yes is better than request fifty people who don't respond (and spamming their inboxes).
This can exist far more work than it sounds. When I craft campaign emails and fundraising emails, I'll sit and pour through my contact database and customize a listing of 20, 80, 100, 200, or 300 people that I think would actually exist interested in my project and that I feel comfortable emailing. Sometimes I goof and transport people besides many messages, but thankfully most of my friends and colleagues take been forgiving and kind about the messages I've sent (and say no when they want to). I'll craft 10 different versions of emails to get to small sub-groups of twenty people, each group advisedly constructed based on who knows who; what the question is; what the story atomic number 82 is; and how I'chiliad framing the ask.
6. Use social proof past creating micro-groups and mini-masterminds. When you electronic mail a small enough group, the presence of one initial response ofttimes prompts others to respond every bit well—creating the inertia of ongoing conversation rather than having to circle dorsum and bother more than people. When I email a group of five people that I highly respect and ask them to bring together a conversation, I endeavour to include someone that I know is great at responding quickly. This generates an ongoing conversation.
When the group is small enough, the conversation becomes private and personal enough that information technology'south similar a micro-mastermind group with content rich enough to be worth thousands of dollars. Sometimes after an twenty-four hours on a message thread, people have written dorsum to me privately and said, "this advice is worth gold—thank you so much for including me in this group. I learned so much!"
An case that stitches these all together:
A while ago I ran into a problem with a particular blazon of customer that I was having problem endmost—and instead I ended upward spending weeks in back-and-along emails continuing to describe the product instead of making the sale (and ideally directing my contributor to a solution to his problem). I couldn't effigy out if this was a dead-end lead, or if my writing was generating the excessive conversations.
I idea—why don't I ask a few of my successful business friends for advice?
I idea closely almost who might be a good person to answer the question, directed an email at 3 people, copied each of them on a single email, and wrote the following request:
A sample script for asking a mini-team of experts for help with a trouble:
Dear John, Susie, and Rob:
I hope yous're well. I'thousand having a compression point in my customer pipeline and I'm looking for some feedback—and I think you lot're the perfect person to help me out because I'thou pretty sure you're a pro at dealing with this type of client asking in your business.
This email volition probably take you near x-15 minutes to read and respond,and I'd be incredibly grateful for your direct-upwardly communication. I'm predicting that you know exactly how to deal with this trouble, which is why I'm contacting each of y'all.
If any of you are swamped today or in the middle of something that needs your attending, feel free to delete this email or ship a quick "so sorry, can't," so I know not to carp you once again. Ideally, you'll know a great resource (a book or link) that answers this trouble and can call up through this quickly with me. Many thank you for your brilliance in advance.
Here'southward the situation: … I'd like to come upward with a slap-up response that changes the respond I'm getting (below) into an answer that converts into a sale. This email concatenation beneath is a typical one for me … (and here you proceed to describe the email you lot get and copy, exactly, the letters you go and the emails you've sent previously.)
In summary: when I inquire people for help, I select one or a few targeted people to reach out to, I define the problem, outline what I'd similar them to help me with or what I'd like them to practice for me, and tell them how much fourth dimension I think it should accept, and I requite them plenty data to make information technology piece of cake to respond. As a courtesy, I also similar to let folks opt-out if they're in a busy betoken in their lives.
Part Two: How many times should you ask?
7. Make sure you ask in multiple ways and in multiple places—show up beyond multiple platforms customized for different individuals. Every fourth dimension I launch a plan, offering, or class, I make certain to send my "enquire" into the universe in a number of different means.
Information technology'south not enough to create something and wait for people to show up. Both before and subsequently you make your product or offer, you need to invite people to come take a look, to review it, to buy it, and to meet what you lot have to share. Without asking people to buy your production, it's like walking into an empty room, filling a keg with beer, and not telling anyone yous've got beer behind those brick walls. Unless y'all put a sign on the door, distribute flyers in all the neighborhood mailboxes, and put a sign out front with free beer coupons for the first 100 customers, no one will know that there'due south a keg full of delicious goods inside of that brick house.
You need to show up where the people who have what y'all want are already playing, paying, or talking.
"Information technology'south not enough to create something and wait for people to evidence upwardly. You lot need to tell them about it." (Tweet this!)
Put your offer or request in several (targeted) places. Show up in person, on email, in newsletters, on twitter, on Facebook, and in whatsoever other identify where people who want what you have—or can give yous what y'all want—already spend fourth dimension. Further, you've got to inquire in a number of different ways.
Next, send personalized requests or invitations on a 1:1 basis to people you think would be nifty early adopters, fans, or supporters. Tell people what you lot've been up to. Starting time with your ain network, no thing how big or small, and ask them to come up prove up. An email to ten friends and family unit members asking for back up is more meaningful initially than spamming your entire Facebook friend list and showing that you've invited 500 people and only 2 of them RSVP'ed.
eight. Ask multiple times. Do not be afraid to ask someone more once for something.
Sometimes I go nervous that I'grand repeating myself. Remember that what you hear is not what they hear. The last time that I got nervous that I was talking incessantly about my project for charity: water, I started to get sick of my ain vocalization and assumed anybody else was tired of hearing near the project, besides. In reality, you're only talking to each person once or twice, fifty-fifty though you yourself accept had the aforementioned conversation hundreds of times. Keep going and recollect that each fourth dimension yous ask, the person on the other finish may be hearing you for the beginning or 2d fourth dimension but— and every time yous enquire, yous increment your chances of getting what you want.
Additionally, people by and large demand to see your ideas four-seven times before they really familiarize themselves with information technology. Multiple messages are okay. If you send one email and no one responds, you lot might need to ship some other bulletin in two weeks' fourth dimension, after people have had a run a risk to see information technology and hear about it. Just considering you are talking almost it all the fourth dimension does not mean that the other person hears or sees everything you're saying.
Information technology's okay to ask more than once. I imagine that some folks are scrolling their iPhones while on the toilet, reading in line, and not always ready to deed or exercise something at the moment and place where they receive your message. In a mobile world, people are getting messages while they are already busy—out shopping, eating, running errands, or at work. They want to donate or buy, merely forget. Following up with a second ask is certainly fine.
And if you create a great story—and y'all sweep people up in your project, they volition rally behind y'all and want to know how the campaign is doing, and they want to know when you win. People love a skillful story. The boosted letters aren't a nuisance if they're well-crafted—they're bringing people into the story and along for the ride. Share your enthusiasm with them.
nine. Effort asking Everyone. Push yourself beyond your comfort zone and strike upwardly conversations with strangers. Talk to your taxi cab driver, your double-decker commuter, your schoolhouse teacher, your yoga teacher. Tell your story similar it'south the only story you have. (Note: this differs from targeted asks, above, because you lot're non sending a blanket email to everyone that's non-specific. This time, every person you meet should be someone you tin can talk to about your project and process, and each person should go a targeted bulletin or a variant of a custom message).
When I was on a mission to raise money for charity: water, I asked my coach driver, my taxi driver, the brunch group, people at my swim, the coffee barista, and every friend I knew to participate. I ended up having one of my Lyft drivers laughing so hard that he gave me cash direct out and volunteered to graffiti-paint my body for the swim.
You. Must. Ask. Anybody.
10. Practice over and over and over once more. Every small ask is practicing for a bigger enquire. Each e-mail and correspondence is an opportunity to practise. In college, my swim coach ready u.s. out on missions to experiment with our psychological edges—and in one experiment, we had to inquire for a free lunch. Information technology was awkward. Many people said no. And some people said yeah. Each time, we practice asking for unusual things.Ask until you go a yes respond. Larn from each iteration.
eleven. Follow up. Ask. Do what you say yous're going to do. Say give thanks you. If you want to stand out, ask for what y'all desire, follow upwardly, and follow through.Most people don't do this.
Part Three: The psychology of determination making, why touch matters, and because context.
12. Be audacious. Much similar Jia Jiang'south experiment with hundreds of rejections (where he ready out to get used to the idea of rejection by asking for ridiculous things), he found that the more he asked, the easier information technology got to ask for what he wanted. As a bonus? People said yep. He ended up driving a police automobile, flying a helicopter, and dozens of other crazy adventures merely considering he walked up to people and had the audacity to inquire.
thirteen. Keep it simple. Put the inquire on the tabular array. Make it easy to detect. Make your wishes known.
- Give alternatives if you'd like, but stick to two, maximum 3. Sometimes information technology'due south easier for people to say yes to one of two options rather than having to cull between many. Stick to just one or two things.
- Get-go with small wins.Ask incrementally for specific, pocket-size things. Go a foot in the door. Don't ask for the big affair until you've established rapport, responsibleness and demonstrated follow-through with someone.
xiv. Pay attention to context and surrounding cues. People make decisions based on their physical surroundings—much more than they would probably believe. Of all the senses, touch is one of the most important contextual cues. Researchers think this is because we develop our sense of affect beginning, as infants. According to The Economist, on decision-making, "inquiry shows that our choices can depend on whether we are holding something heavy or low-cal," and "it seems our minds take many physical metaphors (such equally heavy or light, soft or hard) literally." Bring someone a warm beverage and accept them sit on a difficult chair, and see what happens with your negotiation or inquire.
15. Ask at the correct fourth dimension: understand how (and when) people brand decisions. If you are asking for something complicated and difficult, inquire earlier the well of will-power is depleted. People abound weary of making decisions throughout a days' time, and make amend choices (or are willing to decide at all) in the morning, or when they are fresh (see more than on decision fatigue in Psychology Today). In the evening, you're more than likely to go a "no" as a response if the person you're asking is tired and worn out from a long day.
16. Exist confident in how you enquire. Make a argument, hone your pitch, and so put a articulate request in at the end.
If it's a verbal enquire, don't let your vox trail off at the terminate. Practise body and vocal confidence by continuing tall, shoulders dorsum, and with your head upwardly in a controlled, confident stance. If you don't feel confident virtually what you're asking, chances are yous need to check in and make certain that you believe in your production or offer, and you need more practice.
This is a great fourth dimension to fake it until you make information technology.
17. Chief the Interruption. When you ask, look the the other person in the heart. And—this is the nearly important part—then stay quiet. Ask, simply, and and then wait. Don't throw a bunch of garbage words into the space between your ask and the person'south response. The waiting office—that silence—is deafening, but disquisitional.
Give people space to consider what you said and answer thoughtfully before jumping in to fill the silent space with more words. Make a simple ask, and wait. Let them make the adjacent movement. Much like kissing a guy (or gal) for the outset fourth dimension, the sweet spot is in the pause and the time where the two parties consider each other.
If you speak up too quickly, you tin push button them into a space of no.
Body language is critical for this step. Assume a positive stance (feet hip-altitude apart, casual, standing nevertheless);and put your hands in a neutral position (by your sides or with both hands touching in front of y'all, loosely). Keep your chin up and your center infinite open. Smile confidently and await them in the centre.
Likewise many people shoot themselves in the human foot by request for what they want and then immediately layering in a couched response that assumes the person on the other side doesn't want what you're offering.
Assume that the person you're asking would be delighted to help y'all, has exactly what y'all need or wants precisely what y'all're offering, and that they've just been waiting for you lot to enquire them.
Surprisingly, I've had multiple encounters where people write (or say) in response, "Sure! That sounds great—I've actually been looking for a writing workshop, thanks for thinking of me," or "Absolutely, I'd love to help—I know just the correct person, want me to set up an introduction?"
Yes, yes I would.
Information technology's surprising how much nosotros don't get when we don't give people the opportunity to help.
An inquire is a connection. It'south not nearly having another person go to great lengths for you. It's near creating a scenario where someone who wants to give can lucifer with what yous desire.
"Request is about connection. Create a space where people can give and y'all can receive (and vice versa)." (Tweet this!)
Part Four: Avoid terrible asks, exist kind, and make sure you say give thanks y'all.
xviii. Avoid terrible, generic, vague asks.
I say no to many of the requests for coffee and lunch dates that come up my style—although not e'er—largely when I'm non sure if I tin be useful or if I already know that I need to dedicate that limited fourth dimension to my existing projects and processes.
The worst blazon of ask is when someone says "I'd love to pick your brain and go your (generic) advice—do y'all accept time to have dinner or get together one twenty-four hour period?"
This is non-specific, non-limited, non-structured, and I'm not sure what I can help with or how I can exist useful. Chances are that I've already answered some of the bones questions in i of the hundreds of essays I've written earlier, or that I can recommend a book or a process that tin can be helpful and easily sent over in a infinitesimal—if I knew the nature of their trouble. Lastly, I desire to know why it is that I, specifically, am useful—what is it about me that can help you lot more than than anyone else?
When I get these emails, my reaction is to run and hide and shout, NO, NO, NO!
Luckily, I don't say that. Instead, I write back and ask for a scrap of clarification. It's never a problem to enquire people to exercise a bit more work before you lot help them. Hither are ii cracking scripts for proverb no—and helping someone focus their ask:
A sample script for saying no to nonspecific requests for your time.
In that location are ii cracking ways to respond to nonspecific requests for your time:
Question 1: "Tin I ask you lot a quick question over tiffin and pick your brain?"
Answer: "If information technology's a quick question, ship it my style right now and I'll answer it quickly! If it's a longer conversation you want to take, my tiffin hours are reserved for clients correct at present, so y'all can book time with me hither [insert link to your consulting folio]." (Chapeau tip to Marie Forleo and Laura Roeder for this jewel.)
Question 2: The vague "I demand help and I'd beloved your advice … " that more often than not ends with an ellipses "…"
Reply: "Hey—Thanks for your email. The more specific you can exist in your question, the easier it volition be for me to help you. Would yous put together a list of specific questions you'd like to have answered and I'll encounter if I tin pull together a quick set up of resources and links or point yous to the right place?"
To be articulate: I'm more than happy to answer questions that are specific, articulate, and direct. When people e-mail me a question like this:
"Hey Sarah, I loved the book you mentioned at the Writer's Workshop on Storytelling and the Hero'southward Journey, but I forget the name of the title. Listen sending it to me again?"
It'southward EASY to respond. In fact, I find these questions then useful that I typically develop resource pages for specific topics (like storytelling), along with a custom 'Canned Response' template in my Gmail system then I can just driblet a response in an e-mail and fire information technology over chop-chop. I beloved questions that are easy to answer and quick to transport over, and create a lot of value for the recipient.
And every bit a side annotation: when people enquire you questions, it's a great clue into what people recollect you're skillful at and what services people want your assistance answering. I'm grateful for all the emails I become because when I take the time to respond to one, it unremarkably generates a web log postal service (like this one, in fact), where I can develop a list of resources and tools to share with folks. Fifty-fifty bad emails help me write posts about what Not to do!
19. Make people experience good about helping. Give people infinite to exist kind and helpful. If you're bad-mannered, they're bad-mannered. Believe in what y'all inquire for. Let them know how much it means to y'all and how helpful it was.
xx. Say cheers. You tin can never, ever say give thanks y'all plenty.
And the closer:
21. Don't be afraid of hearing "no." We're in a civilisation that's afraid to say no, and conversely—we're afraid to ask other people for what we want because nosotros're besides afraid to hear the give-and-take "no."
There's one person who says no to you more than than anyone else, notwithstanding. When yous don't ask, you're already selecting "no" equally the consequence. Each time you hold yourself dorsum from request for what you want, or you walk away, silently, y'all've already given yourself the answer that you're afraid of.
"If you lot don't ask, the reply is already no." (Tweet this!)
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What about yous? Do you have great tips and strategies (or examples) for how to create winning asks? Do you have specific templates or copy that assist you lot create great asks? Write them in comments aslope + I'll add them to the postal service.
Sarah Kathleen Peck is a author, designer and storyteller. She teaches workshops on developing effective communication skills and believes that getting meliorate at writing improves your personal, professional, and spiritual well-being. She writes a weekly newsletter on life, psychology, and human beliefs.
Source: https://medium.com/startup-pregnant/the-art-of-asking-or-how-to-ask-and-get-what-you-want-9e7455ca375b
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