High School Bullshit All Over Again

Cliques, gossiping, and backstabbing. We assume that these are the unfortunate realities we bargain with in schoolhouse but then thankfully get out behind us when nosotros graduate. But for many of the states that'due south not the case. As someone who works with girls and women on these issues, I've lost count of the women who accept shared stories of workplace bullying with me.

Some facts: According to the Workplace Bullying Institute, 27% of Americans have suffered abusive conduct at piece of work; another 21% accept witnessed it; and 72% are enlightened that workplace bullying happens. The vast majority of bullies are men (69%) who seem to prefer targeting women (57%) more than other men (43%). Women bullies were less "equitable" when choosing their targets for bullying. Women bullied women in 68% of cases.

These statistics evidence that women are predominantly the targets of workplace bullying past both male and female perpetrators. And while we have to figure out how to end the bullies, this article focuses on some concrete ways to address it as the target.

Verbal abuse and threats are obvious examples of workplace bullying. Simply there are more subtle examples that undermine people'due south power to work. The list below is by no means complete but it gives you a sense of how bullying methods change as nosotros grow into adulthood and enter the workplace.

Many of u.s. think that because we're adults we can handle it — seriously, do we really care if we aren't invited to happy hr after work? And we unremarkably practise take better coping skills equally adults, similar we don't take things as personally equally nosotros did when we were younger. But, the more subtle forms of workplace bullying insidiously undermine anyone's capacity, competence and confidence.

What can nosotros do most it?

First, information technology's important to analyze the unwritten social rules governing how women often communicate their anger. See if the following sounds familiar:

• Keep it within and suffer silently.
• Put themselves down.
• Give the person they're angry with the silent handling until they (hopefully) notice and enquire what's wrong.
• Deny they are angry by saying "It'southward fine."
• Finally inquire for the behavior to terminate simply communicate then passively that the request isn't taken seriously.
• Keep it inside until something small (to anybody else) ends upwards in tears or lashing out.
• Have a "You have no idea who you are dealing with" attitude and then try to destroy the other person.
• Use drugs or alcohol to deaden feelings.

None of these responses give women the skills to communicate their anger in a manner that people will take seriously or effectively advocate for their position. And that's a critical problem. Nosotros still live in a culture where women oft have to burrow their anger for fear of making other people angry at them or opening themselves up to ridicule.

The Solutions

I piece of work with teens — people who detest cheesy acronyms for talking virtually their feelings — but most adults don't like cheesy acronyms either. It feels weird and awkward to talk about your feelings like, "I want to throw my coffee in your face when you lot undermine my opinion during staff meetings."

And then, people need a mature strategy in these messy oft intimidating situations. My strategy for handling a conflict is SEAL. SEAL stands for these iv things:

End and Strategize. Exhale, listen, and think almost when and where y'all want to talk to this person. Do you want to do it now or later — or maybe a little of both? Staff meetings and pause rooms aren't the identify to have it out.

Explicate. What happened that you didn't like and what you exercise want?

Affirm/Admit anything you did that contributed to the disharmonize, just affirm your right to be treated with dignity by the other person and vice versa.

Lock. Lock in the friendship, have a vacation or lock the friendship out. That's for friends — people you want to take in your life outside of work. With co-workers or supervisors, y'all just take to figure out how to work with them so you don't have to do the "L" with them.

You don't SEAL expecting that the person is going to agree with you. They're probably going to be defensive, turn down to take responsibility or do something else incredibly irritating. That's chosen the pushback. The bespeak of SEAL is that you lot take a strategy to at-home your brain downward and so it can think through the problem, put words to your feelings, and strategize the best place to communicate to the other person. That'southward how you accept the best gamble of beingness taken seriously. That'due south how you manage yourself in a professional manner.

If you become an apology, instead of proverb, "That'due south OK. Don't worry about it," say, "Thanks for the amends."

If you get an insincere apology, SEAL information technology again like this: "The style you just apologized doesn't seem similar yous mean it. But if I'm incorrect tell me. "

By conducting yourself in this manner, y'all accept control of your professional reputation. You run into as someone who is competent and can't be taken advantage of. Workplace bullying can be terrifying considering information technology feels like your job is always on the line. Some people are in calumniating work situations that they really can't afford to go out. Merely, we all deserve to work in an environment where we experience safe. When yous demand your dignity (and the nobility of your co-workers) piece of work becomes an extension of your values — then no matter what happens you can be proud.

Rosalind Wiseman is the author of Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl Earth—the groundbreaking, fully revised edition of her best-selling book that was the ground for the movie Mean Girls. Wiseman is an internationally recognized expert on children, teens, parenting, bullying, social justice, and ethical leadership.

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